Having Difficult Conversations.
Kingdom work and difficult conversations.
Dear friends,
Some writings by certain authors really stick with you. One of mine is Leslie Newbigin. Two of his works are Foolishness to the Greeks and The Gospel in a Pluralistic Society. The first highlights the cultural challenge we face as Christians, while the second outlines what Newbigin believed should be our response. Both books combine brevity with clarity and continue to influence me today.
Here are two quotes that get to the heart of our calling:
The gospel does not come as a disembodied message, but as the message of a community which claims to live by it.”
“A congregation that embodies the gospel is the only hermeneutic of the gospel that makes sense to the world.”
For Newbigin, we are the “hermeneutic”—the interpretive lens—through which the world understands what the gospel means. It doesn’t require better arguments or more convincing individuals, but a community that lives out the story of Jesus in ways that are public, visible, and credible.
However, living out the gospel can lead to misunderstandings, forcing us into one side or the other without our consent. Sometimes we’re dismissed as irrelevant or even a threat to society. Think about how many believed the earliest Christians adhered to deadly superstitions like cannibalism because of their practice of taking the Eucharist, which involved eating and drinking symbolic representations of Christ's body and blood. That’s an extreme example, but when we fear our actions or words might be misused or cause division, we tend to avoid those conversations with others. No one wants to live in a polarized world. Yet, this is the reality we face today.
This post is just a beginning to explore how we can engage others in meaningful conversations, especially with those who may hold a different view than ours. Rarely are they easy, or they may not go as planned. But I must say, they are definitely worth it. Here’s what I’ve found that can help us move toward healing our divisions.
Begin with curiosity rather than judgment.
Approaching a difficult conversation with curiosity shifts the entire emotional landscape. Instead of bracing for conflict or mentally preparing counterarguments, you slow down and wonder what the other person is experiencing. Curiosity sounds like, “Help me understand what led you to feel this way,” rather than, “Why would you think that?” It invites stories instead of defensiveness. Judgment closes doors; curiosity opens them. When you listen for the values, fears, or hopes beneath someone’s words, you create space for connection even when you disagree. This posture doesn’t mean you abandon your own perspective—it simply means you hold it with humility, trusting that understanding another person more fully is never wasted.
Understand the values you both share.
This is one of the most stabilizing moves you can make in a hard conversation. When tensions increase, it’s easy to focus on the surface-level disagreement—what someone said, what they did, or the specific issue at hand. But beneath those differences, most people are motivated by surprisingly similar core values: wanting to be respected, wanting to protect what matters to them, wanting to feel safe, wanting to live with purpose, or wanting to care for the people they love. Even when someone’s approach feels unfamiliar or frustrating, their underlying value may be something you recognize in yourself. You’re not pretending the differences don’t exist; you’re simply grounding the discussion in a deeper layer of mutual understanding. That shared foundation makes it easier to stay curious, listen actively, and move toward understanding rather than escalation.
Use words that clearly express your meaning rather than trying to persuade.
It is not a debate but a sharing of ideas. This creates space for the other person to share without feeling judged or pushed. When both people speak from clarity rather than persuasion, the conversation becomes a mutual exploration—two people laying their thoughts on the table and looking at them together. It’s less about changing minds and more about revealing what’s true for each of you. That shift often leads to deeper insight, more trust, and sometimes even unexpected common ground.
It’s a start, not a finish.
A difficult conversation is rarely the final word—it’s the first step in a longer journey toward understanding. When you treat it as a beginning rather than a finish line, the pressure eases. You don’t have to solve everything in one sitting or tie up every loose end. Instead, you’re taking a few laps around the track, warming up your relational muscles, or going on a brisk walk that gets you moving in the right direction. This mindset keeps the conversation open and spacious. It signals to the other person that you’re committed to an ongoing connection, not a one‑time confrontation. And when both people sense that more conversations will come, they can show up with more honesty, less defensiveness, and a shared willingness to keep growing together.
This is just a small start. Considering the current political and cultural environment, we must engage more in tough conversations to help mend the divisions between us.
Here’s a way to start having those conversations. Use it as a template, guide, or sample. Personalize it with your own words, keeping in mind who you'll be talking with:
“I want to take some time to discuss what has influenced each of our perspectives, the values behind our beliefs, and the hopes we each hold. I’m genuinely interested in how you see certain issues, and I want this to be a space where neither of us feels judged or pressured to defend every detail of our beliefs. My goal is to listen openly, share honestly, and show respect so we can better understand each other, and share common concerns, even if our solutions differ.”
What do you think? Our Simple Path values your input and perspectives. We welcome your comments.
You are a blessing,
(John writes, and Trudy, the editor, makes it worth reading)
Need further help getting started? Here’s a free download:
Or go to Living Room Conversations for more information on conversation guides.